<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>I'm Selfish, and I'm Sad by astromirage</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22538581">I'm Selfish, and I'm Sad</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/astromirage/pseuds/astromirage'>astromirage</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Law &amp; Order: SVU</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Feels, Broken Promises, I promise, I'm Sorry, Lawyer Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr., M/M, Past Relationship(s), Post-Episode: s19e13 The Undiscovered Country, River by Ben Platt, Sonny is sad, Sorry Not Sorry, barba straight up aint here, but its there, it hurts, just wait, maybe not full on projection, past barisi, slight projection, this is not a cute quirky fic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 09:21:52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>953</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22538581</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/astromirage/pseuds/astromirage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
      <p>if you've watched the politician then you get what's going on especially with the song inspo</p>
    </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I'm Selfish, and I'm Sad</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">


        <li>
            Inspired by

            <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/556033">River</a> by Ben Platt.
        </li>

    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>if you've watched the politician then you get what's going on especially with the song inspo</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Carisi sighs and slips on his suit jacket. He checks his watch, the time being 9 o’clock. He texts the squad that he wouldn't be able to go out for drinks today. He had plans and certainly wasn’t interested in going to a bar he knew nothing about. </p><p>When did he get so cynical? </p><p>Carisi moved his mind from that topic, instead crediting it to the stress of his new occupation. He shakes his head and switches off his office light, he turns back to the office, scanning the office for anything left behind. He sees something glint in the corner of the room and he walks back in. He drops his coat and his briefcase. He meets eyes with Barba and clears his throat. </p><p>“What’re you doing here Rafael?” </p><p>“The same as always,” he responds, stuffing his hands in his pockets.</p><p>Sonny nods and sits down in one of his chairs. “Oh, yea?”</p><p>Rafael nods and sits next to him. “You know, here I thought we were going home.” </p><p>“I was under that impression as well Rafi. But there are more pressing matters at hand.” he motions to the man sitting next to him.</p><p>“There’s nothing at hand. Can we just go home, Dominick?” </p><p>“Fine.” he fumes and stands up, looking behind him to make sure the other man was following him. </p><p>“You know, sometimes I wish you’d just shut up Rafael.” </p><p>“Oh yea?” he asks, chuckling quietly. “You know you don’t mean that Dominick.” </p><p>Sonny smiles sadly. “Yea, I don’t. I just can’t take it sometimes.” he pushes open the door and walks out into the cold New York air. </p><p>Rafael looks over to him and then up to the sky, he hums in acknowledgment. </p><p>Sonny walks into his apartment and locks it behind him. He makes his way into his kitchen and gets out the ingredients for a single serving of spaghetti. He feels Rafael grasp his hips and hug him close. </p><p>“You’re warm,” Rafael whispers, nuzzling his head into Sonny’s back. </p><p>“And you’re cute.” Sonny quips back solemnly. </p><p>Rafael keeps himself hugged onto his lover and doesn't let go until he starts to plate the dish. He seats himself on the couch and waits for Sonny to sit next to him. When he does he melts himself into his side. Sonny turns the television on and starts blindly clicking through channels. </p><p>“Hey wait, I like that show.”</p><p>“Okay. I’ll keep it on.” Sonny doesn’t like House Hunter International, but he’ll grin it and bear it for his Rafael. </p><p>They sit like that for a while, Sonny eating and Rafael watching people buy houses. The peaceful silence is interrupted when Rafael says something. </p><p>“I know what you’re thinking about doing.” </p><p>“Hmm?” he hums in questioning.<br/>
“I know about the resignation papers in your desk drawer.” </p><p>Sonny looks at him suspiciously and furrows his brows. “And?”</p><p>“I know you. You aren’t a quitter. So why? Why are you quitting so soon and so easily?”</p><p>“It’s just too much. Too much all at once. I bombed the last case. I didn’t do well at all.” </p><p>“So you’re just going to quit?” </p><p>“Yea, I was thinking about it.” </p><p>“You’re being selfish.”</p><p>“Excuse me?!” </p><p>“I said you’re being selfish Dominick!”</p><p>“How?! How the fuck am I being selfish?” </p><p>“You want to quit just because you messed up on one case! You have so many other people other there who need you to get them justice but you want to quit because of one case! That’s selfish!” </p><p>“Fuck,” Sonny whispers and collapses back into the couch. </p><p>“Are you going to quit?”</p><p>“No, I’m not. I don’t know why I thought I could even step away from law.” </p><p>“Good, I’m glad.”<br/>
There’s a prolonged pause and it all seems normal again. </p><p>“You make me proud Dominick.” </p><p>Sonny feels warmth flood his heart and his eyes. Tears welled in his eyes and he feels them roll down his cheeks. “Oh yea?” he asks through tears. </p><p>“Yes. I’ve loved seeing you grow into your suits and your job. It makes me so happy to see you succeed in what you put your mind to Dominick.” </p><p>“I miss you.” </p><p>“I know. But I never left you. And I never will.” </p><p>“I know but it just ain’t the same.” </p><p>“It never will be,” Rafael says, grabbing the taller’s hand. </p><p>“It’s just so unfair.” </p><p>“But that's life, Amor.” </p><p>With that Sonny has frantic, ugly tears, cascading down his face with no end. “In my life, I just thought I’d never have to lose you.”</p><p>“I know. I never thought I’d lose you either.”</p><p>Rafael caresses Sonny’s sopping wet cheek and rubs his thumb over it. “I’m sorry. But this is how it is.” Rafael explains, letting Sonny sob loudly. </p><p>Sonny feels the cries coming from deep in his stomach, constricting his heart and garbling from his throat. </p><p>“I really do love you, Dominick.” </p><p>“I love you too.” </p><p>Sonny kisses him and sets his hands on his cheek. </p><p>A knock on his door turns his attention to the door. He wipes his tears and stands up. His feet bring him to the door, but before he opens it, he turns back to the couch. His breath hitches when Rafael isn’t sitting there, when he isn’t looking at him with love, when he isn’t there, waiting for him to return to his side. He lets out another sob and a few more tears before he forces himself to take a few breaths. He wipes away his last few fleeting tears and sniffles pathetically. He reaches for the door and he could swear he felt Rafael place an evanescent hand on his cheek and a sweet simple kiss on his forehead before disappearing forever.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>twitter: kakyoinsplash</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>